The first internet search I ever made was in 1995, our family was fast to get the Internet because my mom was quick on her hooves learning the shit, being a library technician and all. “The Internet” she called it, “Luke, you’re not going to believe this shit, you type in altavista.com and then type in what you want to read about, and it takes you there.” I was stunned, and a little skeptical, “Fuck that, where does the information come from?” I inquired. “Luke, it comes from the Internet,” I imagined some crazed lunatic in my computer typing bogus answers to my legitimate questions. She left me alone with this intimidating technological advance, I sat there, absolutely perplexed as to how this worked. I subconsciously knew that this was an important act in my life, that my first search would dictate how I used the Internet, and whether it would be for good or evil. This is what I typed, “playboy girls having sex”, that’s right playboy girls having sex was my first search, I was eight years old. Since then my adventures on the Internet have become similar to that of a Stephen King novel, I’ve sent pedophiles halfway across the world to rural Romania in search of love, only to find that the address was that of a police station. I’ve fallen in love on the Internet, I’ve spilt my deepest secrets to complete strangers, and thanks to that little shit-fuck Mark Zuckerberg there are countless pictures of me on the Internet doing very ungodly things.

I’ve become addicted, I’m so addicted to the Internet it hurts, I’d shut this fucking atrocity of an invention off, but every time I think about that I sigh and say… “I wish I knew how to quit you.”

Also the porn, I have no idea how I could possibly stop watching women fart on cakes.