There are few outlets that allow people to so freely express the fact they are complete tools better than Facebook. With the exception of maybe Youtube where it appears 99% of the world’s homophobes lurk – typing with one hand as they quietly jack off to Chris Crocker videos – nothing, in the history of modern communication has produced such devastating assclowns as Facebook. I hope, nay, I pray that this is some elaborate episode of Punk’d and Michael Kelso is going to jump out and punch me in my testicles as cameras surround me. I mean, seriously? Is it possible the vast majority of my Facebook “friends” (I put friends in quotations because really it is just a stew of hot girls I watch from afar in my religious studies classes) are developmentally delayed? I’ll let you the reader decide, the following are the seven most recently updated status’ in my friend list, enjoy…

Person A - is in Quebec.
So am I champ. It is easy to fathom that the entire world doesn’t give a shit that you are in Quebec. Next time I drive to Cornwall to buy industrial sized cans of Mongoose beer I’ll be sure to let the world know I’m in Ontario. But why stop there you narcissistic fuck? Next time you go to the kitchen, you might as well tell the internetz, I mean when I go outside to grab a sandwich I always make sure to update my status… as I look at myself in the mirror and rub my nipples with cocoa butter.

Person B - likes juice.
So do I. So does the majority of Western Civilization. I like air too, but I’ve only told my psychiatrist about that, I tell you what though, I fucking love water… that’s pretty original. I can only imagine the people scanning the updated friend list and coming across your BOLD statement and saying to themselves, “ho-ho-holy fuck! Person B likes juice!? Man I better click on her profile because she seems so interesting based on her status that what lies further must be groin-grabbling good.

Person C - al menos aun respiro.
This appears to be Spanish, funny, this person is not Spanish, nor are most of his friends. You honestly don’t impress me with your Latin tongue you dirty turd, I don’t understand what you’re saying, and I would never, EVER, put in the effort to figure it out. You are merely trying to point out you have at least a limited understanding of a Romance language, brav-fucking-o, I’ll be sure to add your pics to my spank bank now, because you are so fucking sexy with your bilingualism. Unless “al menos aun respiro” means, “help me, I’m trapped in a Peruvian jail and need access to a translator quick,” you will never be forgiven for this act of douchebaggery. Never.

Person D – feels like giving up.
Then do it.

Person E - …if u owe me money, pay up!
This is a legitimate statement if the context is right. For example, if this individual has leant the thousands of friends he has on Facebook a sizeable sum of cash, then it is only fair that the individuals who accepted his money on the grounds that they return it, actually return it. However, I would bet my grandmother’s life savings that he made a bet on a sporting event with like two of his bedwetting friends and they owe him between two and ten dollars. Now if every person on his friend list were to read this statement, the sum total of money owed to him would be lost in the time it took each individual to read his goofball status. I mean I’m getting paid right now, I could be organizing papers or something, the time it took me to write this probably negates the pennies his “bros” owe him.

Person F - Props to Hillary Clinton, New Secretary of State…Ciaooo Rice!!!
Besides the fact this statement is a grammatical nightmare, few really give a damn that Hillary Clinton was sworn in as Secretary of State today. She was nominated by Obama months ago, she took the oath in what appears to be Bill Clinton’s cigar room, by some assistant judge who was giving Billy the sexy eyes. The senate vote, which is mainly a formality, was like 94-2. Clinton was going to be Secretary of State, having a status like this is like writing, “Props to food, I just ate today… byeeee poo!!!” Treat your status like a breaking news bulletin, unless it’s a ridiculous opinion or you have insider information on the whereabouts of Bin Laden… nobody gives a fuck.

Person G - bye bye Guantanamo!!!
This kid is notorious for using Facebook as his own fucking house of doom. He literally is destroying it with his oh so clever status’, his invites to parties that make no sense, and an arsenal of pictures where he’s featured making the same God damned vapid pose. Just to give you a taste of how dangerous this guy is… take a look at his past four status updates:

• would like to curse whatever god is in charge of Montreal’s weather…eff u…please die.
• misses the African sun!!!!!!!!!!!
• needs to check into Betty Ford ASAP (ps-still waiting to hear how I got home last night…)
• would like to know if anyone knows how he got home last night…

What we can learn about this little guy is that he clearly has a relationship with the bottle, is not fond of the weather Montreal is producing (which is fascinating, because I thought everyone loved -30 degrees and being ass deep in snow), and he also appears to miss the African sun, at least enough to go hog wild on the exclamation points.

Facebook status’… my balls are officially broken.