I’ve never seen her not wearing this outfit…

Over the past few years, the majority of winners of the Nobel Peace Prize have not been household names, and in reality, that makes a lot of sense. The criteria to win a prize of that standard are not inherent in the human condition, qualities such as benevolence, kindness, and an un-willingness to accept mediocrity. It is because of this that I want to bring to the attention of the world an individual by the name of Ivy Pham, a Vietnamese Princess (she actually descended from royalty!) who calls East Vancouver (she’s actually hard as fuck!) home. I’ve known the ‘Phamster’ as she likes to be called for only a few months and what I’ve discovered from her humanity is an ejaculation of life, this ineffable explosion from her existence that sticks to the clothing of anyone who meets her. She has this presence about her when she enters the room that I’m sure could only be rivaled by Princess Diana when she walked down the aisle to marry Charles. In short, she glows. To the untrained eye, this could merely be the Asian glow (Ivy can pack them back like an Irish football hooligan) however, I’ve learned that this is her soul dying to interact with anyone and anything she can approach.

Just Another Tuesday Afternoon for the Phamster…

The first time I met Ivy Pham was under quite absurd circumstances, after an extreme night at Buffalo Bill’s Spicy Wing Eatery I came home to realize that I was toilet paper-less and about thirty seconds away from a Katrina-esque natural disaster. I ran through the halls of my building to find her floating cross-legged in the air, I asked the Phamster, “can you spare a leaf of toilet paper?” She giggled and fired dozens of rolls of toilet paper from the palms of her hands, peppered with sunshine dust and novelty floating hearts. I knew at that moment that I wasn’t dealing with a mere mortal, but a demi-goddess, an angel that was too weird to live, and too rare to die.

Since then she’s professed a profound desire to die at the age of twenty-seven, joining such divine figures as Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and Kurt Cobain. When asked why she wants to die at that age, she only responds with, “Luke, silly boy, I’m eighteen now, if I’m not queen of the universe by the age of twenty-seven… well then I’ll just marry God and rule heaven.

Phamster, you Phantastic Phuck… I can only pray you accept these words as worthy of your eyes.