October 31st 1988

I can only describe the events that occured on Halloween in the year 1988 based on my parents recollection, but I can assure you that this is no lie. It was a bitterly cold night in Calgary, and as usual I was parading my eighteen month old booty around the house, extra large bottle of milk in hand and bare ass naked. My parents had given up trying to put diapers on me because I would just toss them off instantly, I was a walking, talking, little rascal with a chip on his shoulder and the mouth of a four year old. Anyway, it was peak hours for the trick-or-treating and people were rolling through in some of the sickest costumes I could fathom. This was too much for my eighteen month old brain to handle, and when four girls showed up at the door dressed up as hippies I lost my shit, literally. I let out the littlest of poos, a nugget, this was the first time I had ever realized poo came out of my body and I had no idea what this substance was. I let out a little scream, and another little poo came out. I began to run thinking I was being chased by some ghostly presence… more poo… more terror. I bolted out of the house between the legs of one of the hippies, bottle of milk still in hand, right out onto the lawn, flailing and screaming. By the end of the tsunami of shit I was rolling around naked on the lawn screaming, “monster, monster”.