Welcome to the 8th Reich.

I am absolutely obsessed with the Westboro Baptist Church and its fantastic fuckery. I was in grade twelve when I was first introduced to their cyclone of hate. For those of you unaware of the douchebaggerish shit these fundamentalist assholes produce, let me give you a brief explanation. The Westboro Baptist Church is run by the Rev. Fred Phelps, a graduate of the notoriously fascist Bob Jones University. Rev. Phelps acts as the Patriarchal watchman of the congregation of a little more than 100. Instead of preaching about the main facet of Christianity, love, Phelps has decided to take a few verses out of the Hebrew Scriptures that rip on homosexuals and essentially use them as his thesis for the destruction of happiness worldwide. What has come out of his years of hating the world are the websites godhatesfags.com, godhatesamerica.com, and yes, even godhatessweden.com. I mean I can understand the Sweden one, those Scandanaviens are nothing but treacherous traitors to the cross, with their socially progressive policies that allow for one of the highest HDI ratings in the world. Phelps very elegantly takes his hate one step further, if God hates “fags”, then he must hate any nation that allows homosexuality to exist in anyway. These people have been coined the pretty term “fag enablers”. But wait, there’s more… so if America (the fag enablers) allow homosexuals to exist, then anything bad that happens to America is God punishing them for creating this sanctuary of sodomy. That is why they picket the funerals of American soldiers in Iraq, holding up bright signs of Uncle Sam being fucked in the ass with the slogan “God loves I.E.Ds”. Remember, this all stems from archaic verses from the OLD TESTAMENT that say a man shouldn’t “lay” with another man.

My frustration with these assclowns reached a pinnacle in the summer of 2006, when in a fit of complete and utter rage I decided to send them a gift. I’ll give you a hint as to what the gift was: it was soft, long, and smelled like roses and kittens. Ya guys, I mailed my own shit to Westboro Baptist Church with a flowery Hallmark card that read “Eat my fag enabling shit you fucks!” Whether or not the poo ever got there will always be a mystery, I imagine that somewhere on its trip to Topeka, Kansas there was a snag and the poo was lost. But I have this deleriously sexy image of Fred Phelps opening a box of fresh poo and giving it just a little whiff to confirm that it is, in actuality, poo. Fuck thinking about that makes my nipples so hard.

Ya, you’d like to sniff my poo wouldn’t you? Ya, you would, you dirty, dirty, girl.

Join me tomorrow for number 99: Schmidty Needs A Squirt