I don’t claim to be an expert on many things.

Rock, paper, scissors is one, yo Mama jokes is another. I’ve had many years of practice at both and I can honestly assure you that there isn’t a living, breathing person on this side of the hemisphere that could school me in the finer aspects of these two complicated disciplines. These hobbies, however, are just that, hobbies. They don’t define me, and are merely used to humiliate lesser opponents on a regular basis. There is one area that I strive to excel at, and wish to gain a wealth of knowledge that is unparalleled the world over. That is, of course, porn. It isn’t just a stress reliever, it is a way of life. Since my childhood, when I stayed up past eleven o’clock to sneak a peek at a booby or two on our illegal PPV box, I have dedicated myself to the art of adult entertainment. The performers, the costumes, the intricate narratives, all of it is interwoven into the very fabric of my existence. I live, breathe and exude porn at all times. Strangers often walk up to me on the street and ask me what the new and exciting bukkake title to look for is. We have never spoken, never even met, so I can only assume that they see an unbridled passion in me that can only be compared to that of other young geniuses in their respective fields. Einstein, Freud, Bach…and Barrett. Yes, I’m that good. So now that you’re aware of my expertise, I think it’s only appropriate that I pass on my gift to you all: the lonely, the bored, the horny.

So, with that, I will name my five favorite porn stars in no particular order. I don’t want to rank them, because I know these girls will obviously be reading the blog, and I don’t want to hurt their feelings or more importantly, affect my chances at a Nazi-themed orgy with them. So sit back, relax and open up that tub of Vaseline, kids.

Alektra Blue:

A buxom beauty who looks a lot more innocent that she actually is (and that’s saying something). I don’t think she’s ever met a penis she didn’t like, and she often meets a few at a time so you know she’s not discriminatory. She was named the 2006 Rookie Starlet of the Year and I think her best years lay ahead of her, or on top of her, however you wanna put it. It seems to me like she might have some sort of glandular problem because she’s always spitting on everything, but I can’t hold it against her. So, if you like your porn stars filthier then a Michigan truck stop bathroom, then Alektra Blue is the woman for you.

Jessica Drake:

On the flipside of things, you have the lovely and sophisticated Jessica Drake. A veteran of the porn industry, she has seen it all. She almost always stays half-dressed in her scenes, but somehow looks hotter while doing so. Not only that, but she is a decent actress too. I swear!! She’s won best actress in an adult film twice, as named by AVN. And AVN’s never wrong. I once saw her in a brilliant performance where she was completely and utterly dedicated to her character. She played a frisky little blue alien with a penchant for getting it on. I don’t know if it was just me, or the lack of blood running to my brain, but I truly believed her. I felt for her horny plight, and I wanted to fornicate with every other little blue alien that couldn’t get enough sugar from whatever planet it was they came from. I swear to you, it was like watching a younger, hotter, more intelligent version of Meryl Streep.

Lanny Barbie:
Finally, a little Canadian content. A true Montrealer, born and raised, Lanny will do all those things that stuffy Ontario girls don’t have the heart for. According to her website, Lanny joined porn about “5 seconds after her 18th birthday” and started with all the nasty stuff. When she first started she didn’t really talk dirty simply because her English skills weren’t up to snuff. Sometimes she just couldn’t contain herself and would scream something dirty in French. Ahh those were the good ole’ days. Now she’s a big time Vivid girl and her English is impeccable. Another fascinating tidbit about Lanny: her favorite pastime is….drumroll please….masturbation. Vive le Québec libre!

Rita Faltoyano:
This Hungarian lover gets the job done. She was named 2003’s Performer of the Year despite having a giant mole on her left breast. I once saw a guy lick it. Yeah, it was weird. But the real reason I’m giving her the great honour of being named one of my 5 fave ladies is because she doesn’t hold her punches. Literally. This one guy she was working with asked her to punch him repeatedly in the balls and she respectfully obliged. Now, most girls would be afraid to do damage to future generations of sleazy male pornstars, but Rita had no misgivings. At first, you could tell she was just warming up, throwing a quick jab here, a light hook there. Eventually, she moved into the harder punches, and I wasn’t sure if it was Rita Faltoyano, or a horny Hungarian version of Mike Tyson. And let me tell you, she takes shots as good as she gives him, and who doesn’t appreciate that?

Tory Lane:
And last but certainly not least, we have Tory Lane. Ahh what can be said of slutty, slutty Tory. Well for starters, she’s really slutty, and in her line of work that’s a good thing. Another good trait to have, or so I’m told, is no gag reflex. I think she could give head to a donkey without batting so much of an eyelash. She’s just that good. She was also the 2007 Performer of the Year winner. There was, however, a dark time in the porn world when Tory got married and decided to only work with women. Now usually I’m not one to be upset over a pretty lady deciding to only munch rug, but you could tell she missed the schlong. The passion just wasn’t there. Fortunately, like every other porn marriage, it ended within 4 months, and she quickly resumed chowing on the man-meat. I appreciate Tory because she’s like that kid in your grade 4 math class who got really excited any time the teacher would ask a question. You know the dude, the one who essentially rips his arm out of his socket when he raises his hand, while simultaneously suffering from an asthma attack of epic proportions. Just way too…enthusiastic. Well picture that kid, but instead of an 11 year old kid with glasses and acne, he is a she, with large fake boobs, and instead of a math class, the setting is a gangbang in a 50’s themed diner. Some people think of her as being too negative towards her partners, always yelling things like “You call that a facial!!” or “Stick it in my ass you dirty boy!”. As far as I see it, that’s not negativity, that’s just good ole’ fashioned constructive criticism.

…So there you have it, folks. Years of painstaking research and blisters finally going to good use. I hope you appreciate these ladies as much as I have, and don’t keep them to yourselves. Tell your friends, your co-workers and your family about all the great work happening in porn today.