I can smell Vin Diesel from my apartment in Montreal — he is lathered up in body lotion and some generic cologne from Italy — the smell is difficult on the nose, but is universally recognized as being the stench of douche. Bros and Jersey Douchebags the world over worship this fairy as their savior, reciting such insightful lines as, “You had me? You never had me, you never had your car,’ or ‘It doesn’t matter if you win by a mile or an inch, winning’s winning.’ I remember when I first saw The Fast and The Furious, the theatre was packed with spiked haired little shits draped in over sized button-ups with flames and dragons depicted on the front. Every kid in there professed to know the inner workings of street racing throughout the film, “nice hood” a kid in front of me bellowed, “I go 150 all the time… in my dad’s Acura,” another boasted. Ridiculous claims, especially when most of the kids went to the movie with their moms. I found the whole film terribly amusing, the writing seemed to have been done by Vin Diesel himself and it was almost as if they had brought in actors off of the street to perform major roles. Throughout the movie I realized that I could blame only one person for bringing out the entire skid population of Waterloo, Ontario… Vin Diesel. Diesel was worshipped by these people; he was the life size poster the kid three rows up from me would jack off to at night. He was the demi-God whose lines would be memorized by everyone in my row, and he was the asshole to whom everyone in the crowd aspired to be.

Vin Diesel is the tangible representation of everything I hate about ‘bro-culture,’ read these simple qualities of a bro that Diesel possesses:

• Talks like he’s mentally handicapped.
• Tests scores indicate he is mentally handicapped.
• Steroid user.
• Obsessed with everything MAN: cars, guns, women, circle-jerks with other bro friends.
• Has security issues: will act tough and run his mouth, but if anyone sizes him up he will cower like a little bitch.
• Possesses no talent whatsoever, actually represents a regression in the development of humanity with his foul odor, unappealing grin, and goofy voice.

Diesel Thwarted by Motion Light Sensors

Vin is a disease, comparable to the bubonic plague in Europe, or the blight catastrophe in Ireland. The problem with his douchebaggary is that his effects on the general population aren’t noticeable for many years; it is a graceful degradation into stupidity. The affected my not realize it for quite some time, and then one day they wake up and realize they can’t dress themselves, brush their teeth, or wipe their ass. They type LiKe DyS aLl dA tYmE and aren’t allowed to borrow their parent’s car. They will spend the rest of their lives at car shows, all ages clubs or covered in sun tan lotion at the beach, they are more Diesel than man at this point.

Thanks Vin, you made the intellectually feeble portion of our population dipshit assholes too.