Canada… what the fuck?

Over the next couple of weeks I intend to answer the question that has plagued Canadians for over one hundred years, what province (or territory) is the best? I know there are inherent flaws in my scientific study, namely, the fact that the entire study relies on the subjective opinions of the fools who frequent this site. That being said, it will allow you, the reader, to determine once and for all the greatest province/territory in the most fabulous country in the world.

Voting is done simply by writing the name of the province as a comment. The bracket will be made visible later this week.

The format is a simple knock out system, the province with the most votes advance. Kicking things off is Saskatchewan vs. the Northwest Territories. Let the games begin:

Saskatchewan

Population: 1,010,046

Major Cities: Regina (Capital), Saskatoon, Prince Albert, Moose Jaw, Swift Current.

Pros: Easy to draw the province.

Cons: Inbreeding, nothing to do, cold.

Saskatchewan is to Canada as South Dakota is to America. Meaning it could vanish off the face of the Earth for a few months and nobody would notice. Saskatchewan is known for three things: a wasteland of agriculture that extends across the province, the most NHL players per capita in the world, and insane Canadian Football League fans. I’ve been to this province once, on a trip across the country, really my dad would have driven right through this land of farmers and weirdos, but we needed gas. My dad and I stopped in Regina at a fast food joint, upon getting out of our BMW, gawkers remarked, “must be city boys,” I looked around, and whispered to my dad “we are in their largest city right?”. Cities to these inbred cowboys probably meant Winnipeg (six hours to the East), or Calgary (six hours to the West). My dad, noticing my slight discomfort, firmly held my shoulder and said “don’t look directly at them son, you’ll turn to stone.” This province is weird and I wasn’t even made privy to the backward towns in the north, this was a major city, and I felt like I had just landed on the planet Kahn inhabited in Star Trek. Horses rode people, they offered leaded fuel, and everyone looked the exact same: bad hair cuts, overalls, and doc martens. I wanted to proclaim to the whole province that they were fashion delinquents, but they were eyeing my Timex watch like I had just stepped out of a time machine, I was certain they wanted to eat me. I wasn’t sure if I was a pilgrim in an unholy land, or some minion of Lucifer in a pristinely innocent utopia. Needless to say, my dad and I took the food to go and made a pact not to stop the car until the Alberta border.

I must concede that Saskatchewan does have one thing that as a Canadian I have to thank it for: universal healthcare. Tommy Douglas, a politician from this wheat filled monstrosity of a province and voted as the greatest Canadian of all time by the CBC, championed socialized medicine in Canada. Had it not been for him, our healthcare system in Canada would be vastly different, the half dozen surgeries I’ve had in my life may not have been free. But Saskatchewan has no daylight savings time, which caused me great confusion upon my visit, what makes matters worse is that some regions of the province do have daylight savings time, shit’s fucked. It’s amazing that this province is responsible for one of the most progressive acts in Canadian history, but they don’t understand the concept of time as it relates to darkness.

The Northwest Territories

Population: 42,514

Major Cities: Yellowknife

Pros: Due to sparse policing, you can basically get away with anything.

Cons: Few roads, bitterly cold, perpetual darkness in winter, wolverine attacks.

And I thought Saskatchewan was a barren wasteland. The Northwest Territories take up a massive section of Canada’s north, but the entire population couldn’t come close to filling up a football stadium. The population density of the Northwest Territories is a staggering .037 people per kilometer squared, meaning a piece of land fifteen kilometers long and fifteen kilometers wide holds two legs, a hand, and a bit of a torso… fucking freaks. The majority of these body parts either work for the Canadian government or work in the mines of Canada’s north, I’ve never harvested uranium at forty below, but I’m sure it’s fucking awesome. While the Territories usually get made fun of by the rest of Canada, those who live in Yellowknife have it made in the shade. The city recently was discovered to be literally sitting above a near infinite supply of diamonds, people are moving from all over the world to try and get a hand in this lucrative cookie jar. Unemployment rates are well below the national average and the median household income is over $100,000.

That being said, the rest of the Northwest Territories, although beautiful in places, actually resembles the 8^th level of Hell. It is absolutely desolate, often entire villages are cut off from civilization during the winter and sit in a never-ending darkness for months at a time. I’ve never met someone from the Northwest Territories, but I’d imagine that it would be a nauseatingly delightful experience. I’d be regaled with stories about the time he actually shot his friend thinking he was a wolf, we’d play Euchre, and he’d make fun of the fact I had running water. He’d smell of stale smoke and straw and would have an eye that was slightly wonky. His fleece lumberjack shirt would expose a gut filled with whale blubber and two or three First Nations children.