There are four (sort of five) women on this planet, all wonderful, unique human beings, for whom I would drop everything (including my pants) and run away with. Seriously, I would devote my entire life to these four wonderful women, I’d worship the ground you walked on, I’d fluff your pillow, and I’d hang out at H&M as you tried on what appears to be the same eyeliner for five hours. I’m already in love with you four, so we wouldn’t have to worry about that, we could just get married. I suppose this is an official marriage proposal to you ladies, if you want to take me up on my offer: luke.walker@mail.mcgill.ca.

Jena Malone

Holy hell girl, you were in a movie that destroyed me and made me eternally crippled by your immense fragility. Donnie Darko, aka Jesus fucking Christ, is so into you that he sacrifices himself for your safety. When deities have crushes on you, you’ll get my relatively spastic attention. You were sharp, confident, yet horribly frail, and it was probably the most devastating thing I’d ever seen. As I watched you die at the hands of a Polynesian in a bunny suit, a solemn, salty tear trickled down my mounds of acne. I was fifteen, horny as hell, but in love.

Sierra & Bianca Cassidy (Cocorosie):

Apathy + cheery music with horribly dark undertones + what has to be a pretty solid heroin addiction = premature ejaculation. These girls get arrested at borders, cancel shows for “personal issues,” and record albums in their apartment. They don’t give a fuck and would likely sell me to Gypsies to fund their drug addictions, but if me traveling in a caravan for the rest of my life means they can get some smack, then I’m happy. Basically they are the hottest sisters ever created, their music fills my heart with this intoxicating bliss that resembles the narcotics they drive into their wonderful arms everyday. God has a voice, she speaks through them.

Natalie Portman

I suffer from the Madonna/Whore complex pretty bad. Basically you have to rep the “Madonna” or the “Whore,” if you transcend both categories or spill over into both I’m left confused and unable to read you. And not in the “she’s like a book and I read a new page of her everyday,” it’s more like “her entire life is written in Sanskrit and I’m blind,” I simply can’t read you. There is one exception to my disability, her name is Natalie Portman. This girl can play the seductress and I have to cover my pants in the theatre, or she can play the cute girl in distress and I have to borrow tissues from the people behind me. I would murder my friends just for a handful of her beautiful locks. She holds the title of being the only girl to be my focus as I cried while masturbating… it’s love people… love.

Sarah Silverman

Two words… The Aristocrats: Click HERE

So there’s the list, if you disagree, speak up. And again, to the ladies on this list, I’ll always be there for you.