I must preface this post by stating that I absolutely love hipster girls, this love however is strictly superficial, something about leggings and badangly shit draped over their lean necks gives me the fuzzies. That being said, I loathe this culture like Dubya loathes that eyesore of a mosque near his ranch in Texas. Everything about this ridiculous fad, besides said superficial guilty pleasure, is lame as fuck.

They just melt my cholesterol riddled heart

I live in Montreal, a city that has a whole borough devoted to hipsters, if you get trapped in Mile End past about 1am in the morning prepare yourself for an army of apathetic, skinny jeans kids clutching 40s with their lanky fingers. Although far too anemic to pose a serious threat to your safety, these monsters will ridicule your baggy jeans, laugh at your third generation iPod, and shit elitism all over your relatively innocent frame. They’ll talk about how Devendra Banhart is the greatest musician of all time, smoke Native cigarettes, and rock more American Apparel than should be legally allowed on one person. Now I’m a libertarian, people should be able to express themselves however they wish as long as they don’t infringe on the safety of others. But through osmosis these fuckers are turning me into a quasi-hipster, my skin is getting whiter by the day, I have forgotten how to shave, and showering… forgetaboutit. For this reason I would like to draw your attention to the five reasons I feel hipsters should be sent to Monster Island, left to fend for themselves with their wiry arms and shit eating grins.

They Are Negative Nancy’s

Everything that a hipster doesn’t like is inherently bad, there is no subjectivity for the hipster, their opinion is objective reality. Anyone who doesn’t see it that way is just some mainstream sissy according to the hipster. Didn’t like that Belle and Sebastian album? They won’t be your friends. Eat meat? Go to fucking hell. All forms of art that aren’t liked by the mainstream are absolutely adored by the hipster, this can range from every grindcore band not named Twodeadsluts Onegoodfuck, to the drawings the homeless man on University and President-Kennedy does. The problems in this are two-fold, they are perpetuating God-awful cultural blunders, and they are asserting teenage elitism that causes insane resentment from their peers and everyone else who has to look at these aliens.

Fashion Delinquents – All of Them

With the exception of the Uggs fad of 2004, I can’t think of a fashion trend where looking bad is good. From their ironic shirts that are not ironic – just lame – to their vintage shoes, everything about what these clowns put on is awful. One can draw distinct parallels to the emo craze a couple of years back, where acceptance into the genre depends on what you wear. There are at least some benefits to this: they stick out like sore thumbs through the scope of a gun.

They Destroy Beautiful Things

The hipster never works alone; they are far too insecure for that, instead they hunt in packs, congregating at once vibrant bars filled with a good assortment of people, and systematically destroy diversity. It happens without warning, these hipsters are clever, but you can outwit them with a keen eye, an attentive ear, and a well-cultured palate. If the skinny jeans outnumber the normal jeans by a 4 to 1 margin, leave immediately, the sheer number of hipsters has become too lofty to eradicate merely by extermination. If caught early, this species can be wiped out; this is where the attentive ear and well-culture palate come into play. If the bar occasionally fits in an M83 or CocoRosie track, speak to the manager; let him/her know of the bar’s impending doom. Furthermore, if your watering hole begins smelling of unwashed hair and vinegar, the hipsters are beginning to amass, a simple spray of cologne or a drinking song should cause them to disperse.

They Are the Future Welfare Community

With so many hipsters clinging to a degree in philosophy and a minor in English, it is only a matter of time before they are left sucking quarters out of love tester machines. Sure their current academic pursuits reek of elitism and arrogance, but when they realize their degree represents just babies and memories, they will panic. Prostitution, squeegee-kids, part time jobs at indie music stores, all of these jobs reflect a washed up hipster. The elitism is still there, it is merely veiled behind a receding hairline and unkept beard.

They Will Either Destroy Us All or Be Destroyed

Like the Thuggee cult of 19^th century India, hipsters rely on unimaginable numbers and unassuming frames to destroy happiness. The Thuggees originally represented a counter-culture movement of sorts; they dressed differently, listened to shitty tribal music and were apathetic beyond all measure. Then without warning they began to strangle people to death and rob them, and with the impending welfare cheques and social scrutiny, the hipsters will also begin to take matters into their own hands. The Thuggess killed half a million people before they were eventually eradicated. How many people will have to die before this breed of half-humans are banned from our bars, how many people will be annoyed beyond all measure before Joanna Newsome is removed from playlists? Only time will tell, until then, defend your record players and your shitty velvet couches, defend freedom… destroy the hipster.