If Conservative America is a digestive system, then Bill O’Reilly is the colon, collecting the chili dog lies and Big Mac deceptions that the Republican Party slams down our throats. These lies and deceptions sit festering in this old, overworked colon, and are eventually expelled via the King Douche himself, Bill O’Reilly. Leaving my socialist convictions aside, I would prefer a conservative government that is honest and acts in the best interests of its people, than a socialist government who deceives. Well these days, lies and dishonesty are the only games in town and Bill O’Reilly is the sexy mayor.

O’Reilly’s playhouse of doom airs every weekday on FOX News, an organization that is fascist at best. But when The O’Reilly Factor shows its slutty face every night, so do the skinheads and holocaust deniers who watch him. I’m serious, when I watch The O’Reilly Factor I feel as if I’ve stepped back into 1937 Munich and the propaganda machine is in full force. Absurd claims from, “just as many liberals watch my show as conservatives,” to “only conservatives are patriotic,” remember folks, this is a man who guarantees that he does not spin or warp facts, and he assures the viewer that his information is fair and balanced. Well my dear friends, I’ll let you in on a secret, it’s not. Almost everything Bill O’Reilly says is either a lie or warped well beyond the confines of truth.

The terrifying thing is that this juggernaut isn’t slowing down, every night he bends the truth a little more, and subsequently my testicles inch closer and closer to shattering. My favourite example of his utter disregard for the facts comes from a May 6^th, 2007 airing of his show where he disemboweled the New York Times for not covering the foiling of a terrorist plot at JFK International Airport. Bill said something along the lines of, “the New York Times isn’t really concerned about Muslim guys allegedly trying to set up another 9/11.” Now the Times has always been a thorn in O’Reilly’s pudgy side, however his lack of journalistic integrity and simply astonishing slander tactics was revealed when it was clear that the New York Times not only covered this article, but it was on the first fucking page! “This isn’t the Colbert Report, this is the O’Reilly Factor, and this is fact,” you’re right Bill, it is the O’Reilly Factor, where your divisive, hateful remarks leave a monstrous quife on an already crippled media.

You are a disease Bill, better fit for the autocratic militaristic regimes of Myanmar or North Korea. Ever since I heard your voice on FOX News two years ago I’ve exercised, I’ve eaten right, because nothing would please me more than to outlive your ruthless, uber-patriotic ass.

Seriously Bill, either swallow my balls or stop breaking them.