Disclaimer: I feel retarded even including a disclaimer for the following post, but some people are just sen-si-tive, and I understand that. This little ditty is what the kids like to call “tongue-in-cheek” and is meant to point out the irrelevant nature of most political punditry throughout this election campaign. If you don’t see it that way, than you can act out what the kids like to call “tongue-in-my-ass”.

I see you out there, middle-American bigots. You’re probably lounging on your La-Z Boys with an ice-cold six-pack of Miller Lite right now, cursing the world for not being a Sunday, simply because you don’t want to endure another aching moment without seeing Jeff Gordon in all of his sexy leather-clad glory. You reluctantly switch your Zenith 27-incher to the Democratic National Convention and wonder why it is that Obama’s subhuman spawn are screaming “Daddy!!” at the image of their father on a 30 foot high JumboTron in a high-pitched tone that only dogs and Wolf Blitzer seem to recognize. Obama stares back at you with his eagle-eyes (or hawk eyes depending on how patriotic you think he is) and a shiver slowly ascends up your spine, pulsating through your sunburned neck, finally culminating in a fiery explosion that burns your cerebral cortex to a fine crisp. It all seems too vivid, too real for you to handle, and you fight the consuming urge to reach for the 12-gauge you have stowed away in the baby’s crib for just this type of situation. No, no get a grip of yourself, you paid good welfare money for that TV and you’ll be goddamned if some anti-American, potentially biracial terrorist ruins it for you. You hope upon all hopes that it’s all a terrible dream, that Obama is a figment of the collective American imagination, and somehow, some way, Hilary’s overgrown and yeasty vagina will once again rise to prominence in your defeated country. “All Hail the Pants-Suit” you hear yourself yelling to no one in particular. Deep down, way down in the part of you that wishes Ralph Nader were still around, a realization occurs; the realization that any opposition to the liberal army of Obamaniacs is completely and utterly futile. Hilary’s vagina will be conquered faster than you can say “Oprah Winfrey” and through the thick haze, Barack Hussein Obama will be the victor. But I tell you, closet racists of America, there’s still hope. Yes, that word that the man has used so well throughout his elaborate and pricey campaign, can be a mantra for you too. I’ll tell you why: Barack Obama doesn’t care about black people. Sure, he certainly looks black (you can’t really tell them apart anyway), and the Wire is his favorite show and he talks about eating chitlins and playing basketball in high school, but is this all an elaborate ploy? The answer is an unequivocal yes. First of all, Obama is from Hawaii, hardly a haven for African-Americans, and he spent a large portion of his childhood in Indonesia. How dare he. Pick a country and live in it. If he is as in love with his country as his lovely wife Michelle claims he is, than he would have never had a reason to leave it. And especially not to attend some darn-tooting Muslim Madrassa. That’s where suicide bombers are born, or so I’m led to believe from the ever-accurate coverage over at Fox News, your one-stop shop for babbling and incoherent political smearing (Now with 20% more smear!). Secondly, and more importantly, Obama killed Bernie Mac. And probably Isaac Hayes too. Don’t you find it too much of a coincidence that on the eve of quite possibly the most significant election in modern-American history that two of the blackest men alive bite the dust? One of the Original Kings of Comedy, and the buttery-smooth funk singer who regularly put the Shaft in Shaft, both vanquished by everyone’s favorite democratic candidate for President. Sure, they both supposedly died without the influence of foul play, but I’m not buying it. Don’t you think Obama could kill you if he so desired? Bernie Mac attended a fundraiser for Barack in July, where he got in a little bit of hot water for using the word “Ho” in his routine and less then a month later, BAM, he’s pushing up daisies or petunias or whatever it is black people lay at their gravesites. The only reason I can see this loose-lipped quip as displeasing to Obama’s posse, is that Bernie was out-blacking him. Obama speaks eloquently and affirmatively, while Bernie Mac appears to have just been awoken from a decade-long coma whenever he talks. Obama seemed perturbed, and passive-agressively condemned his actions (possibly through killing him), much in the same way he has distanced himself from the blackest preacher since Al Sharpton: Pastor Jeremiah Wright. Sure, the man has said a few quasi-racist things, and referred to Caucasians as those “White-Devils” but who among us can claim they haven’t made similar statements? I, for one, am constantly blaming my mediocrity on whitey holding me down, and have also completely denied myself the pleasure of purchasing crackers, simply out of principle.

Just recently, Obama was criticized by Bill O’Reilly and friends for not condemning Ludacris for a specific lyric urging voters to “paint the White House black” after he is elected. Now, I can totally see where Poppa Bear is coming from. Obama is half black, and in the spotlight, so he must therefore have an opinion on anything that any black person in the history of time has ever said or done. (I can only assume that if he hasn’t criticized O.J. Simpson for the killings of two pretty white people in 94’, that he himself must also be a brutal murderer. Lock your doors.) I know why he doesn’t, though. Cuz he’s a pussy. He’s scurred. He knows that if he calls a press conference to denounce Ludacris’ ludicrous lyrics that he won’t under any circumstances be able to control his temper. What will start as a controlled and measured response to the young MC, will eventually develop into a failed attempt at socio-political battle rapping. He will bust out the gold fronts and traditional Democrat/Crip blue bandana and try to revive what little black piece of soul he has left in him. It will be embarrassing, and Nancy Pelosi will eventually have to step in to finish the poorly executed verse with a bang…literally. Fearing a violent response from John McCain, a grizzled, sociopathic Vietnam vet, Pelosi will grab Spike Lee’s shiny Desert Eagle from his baggy Hilfiger’s and start unloading on mofos. The Democrats cannot be embarrassed again, and Nancy sure as hell ain’t going down without a fight. Barack will be left to cower in the corner, viciously sobbing in the reluctant arms of Joe Biden, who will wince in shame, for he has finally realized what everyone else is thinking…The whole world is blacker than Obama. So, kiddies, next time you eat at KFC, or your hair comes out a little nappier than usual, turn down that Souljah Boy song you’re bumping out the whip, and take a look around. Be vigilant. Cautious. Wary. And be certain of one irrefutable truth, Obama is watching, and he won’t be out-blacked.

And you will vote for him…cuz you’re racist.