The results from Saskatchewan vs. the Northwest Territories are in: Northwest Territories by a landslide, Canada’s north cripples Canada’s breadbasket and advances to round two. The next match-up in round one pits Canada’s fossil fuel giant Alberta, against some ice and shit, formed to create Nunavut. Vote by commenting.

Alberta

This province is so loaded with oil people use it in day to day activities. No lubricant for sex? Dash a little tar sand on the penis. Can’t find a good marinade for your steak? You know where to look. In our oil starved society, Alberta sits as the Sultan above a bunch of smelly, dirty serfs. They are so rich over in Wild Rose Country that the Premier (who is an alcoholic) personally sent every citizen $400. Why? Because he’s just that cool. Things are a little different out in Alberta; they tend to have an absurdly low minimum wage, are always pushing for two-tier healthcare, and were caught in the 70s trying to build a nuclear bomb to destroy Quebec. The comparisons to Texas are almost endless, but we as Canadians must embrace Alberta, as their ejaculatory fluid, laced with oil and money, is our life blood. A seemingly endless supply of oil is waved around as the trump card for any national dispute. You don’t like the fact Alberta has a drunk for a Premier and is looking to legalize pedophilia? You don’t get a sip of its sweet, nutritious oil.

I was born in this fossil fuel utopia, forcing my way out ass first, how appropriate, the first thing Alberta got to see of Luke Walker, was his asshole. Really, since then, little has changed, I’m still proudly displaying my brown eye to right wing snobs who are more concerned with how to make money than the horrible environmental disaster that said money would bring.

We stand at a fork in the road fellow Canadians: do we play along with Alberta’s fantastic supply of oil, or do we say ‘nay, nay,’ and push for a more environmentally conscious world? A vote for Alberta is a vote for the corporation and globalization, a vote against it is a vote for pretty trees and shit. The choice is yours…

Nunavut

A deer and whale having sex with with Nunavut’s flag, arguably the coolest coat of arms in the history of man…

This place is insane. Remember the barren wasteland of the Northwest Territories? Well Nunavut was basically created from the crap the NWT didn’t want. With economic centers such as Pond Inlet and other shit I can’t spell, Nunavut really isn’t a major player in the Canadian game right now. This is not to say it should be forgotten, as a defender of Native Rights, I must say there is a vast historical importance to the region, one that is for the most part ignored by the rest of Canada. Nunavut is by far the largest province or territory in Canada, but it also has a population of about 30,000, I know kids that have more friends on facebook, they’re lame as fuck and are suckling on Zuckerberg’s recently descended testicles, but they do have more friends than Nunavut has people. With a population of 30,000, mostly distributed in small outposts around the territory, there isn’t much to do in this territory of the damned. I have never been to Nunavut but I can imagine the excitement level is somewhere in between reading The Stone Angel and waiting in line at the grocery store. Nunavut may have an advantage in this battle however; its relative obscurity may save it against Alberta, who has far more visible negatives.

I, of course, will refrain from voting, but I expect this to be a far more interesting battle than Saskatchewan and the Northwest Territories. My vote would however go to Alberta.