If you’re a child of the 90’s such as myself, chances are you grew up with several staples in your formative years. These include but are not limited to: Darkwing Duck, Ace of Bass, Devil Sticks, Nirvana, Pogs, YTV, Pop Rocks, personal computers, Bill Clinton and his philandering, Chia Pets, Body Break and last but certainly not least…the Ninja Turtles. The truth of the matter is the Ninja Turtles played a bigger role in raising me than any other singular influence (sorry Dad). I began a decade long love-affair with martial arts because I wanted to learn how to kick the shit out of Shredder’s Foot Soldiers. I ate pizza not just because it tasted amazing and every other pre-pubescent mongrel listed it as their favorite food, but because Michaelangelo and Donatello made it look so goddamn cool. So if you’re like me (and God help you if you are) then I know you can’t be democratic about your Ninja Turtle preferences. The kids that answered the eternal question of “Who’s your favorite Ninja Turtle?” with: “All of them”, can’t possibly be trusted. Fuck that, we’re at war, and if you can’t answer as simple a query as this, then I can only assume you don’t know who the Ninja Turtles are, which is punishable by public hanging. You will be dealt with swiftly and efficiently. So without further ado, here’s my take on the best (and worst) our Heroes in a Halfshell have to offer.

Michaelangelo:

Now look at this dude. Sure he probably masturbates a little too much, and hasn’t so much as smelled a girl in years, but he sure knows how to pick em’. Michaelangelo provides some much needed comic relief in the ever serious world of TMNT. When Raph gets too emotional, or April hits that time of the month, Mikey always steps up to the plate and swings for the fences, even making the ever stoic Splinter crack a smile from on the rare occasion. His comedic timing is impeccable, and his taste in video games and abnormal pizza toppings is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Mike is probably the most famous of the brothers, and his catchphrases are still widely used in the vernacular of pop culture (see: tubular, cowabunga etc.). This leads me to believe that Michaelangelo gets the most action from the opposite sex/species. He strikes me as the orgy type. Do you need a condom when being penetrated by a giant turtle penis? Someone should look into that shit.

Raphael:

I’m sorry ladies, but I just don’t understand the infatuation. Almost every girl I’ve talked to who has even the slightest interest in TMNT absolutely loves Raphael. They want to ravish him right there in the dark smelly sewers where the turtles reside. Maybe it’s the mystery factor he has going for him. He’s dark, brooding and emotionally fragile (read: bitchy). He’s constantly throwing temper tantrums that would put your 3 year old cousin to shame. Not to mention he’s almost ALWAYS the one that gets the turtles in trouble. I’ve tried to replicate Raph’s behavior at bars in order to pick up chicks, and for some reason it never works. I’ll stamp my feet on the floor, beat up unsuspecting bystanders and sometimes even break out the sai’s (that’s his weapon of choice for those of you who are ill-informed). Typically, this display will get me kicked out, and most times, arrested. In case you’re wondering, I haven’t gotten any action from this little experiment of mine, unless you count that large scary man from the holding cell. His name was Rufus. He said he’d call me.

Donatello:

I firmly believe that Donatello is the closet fave of every true Ninja Turtle fan. He’s smart and goofy in that precocious way of his, and he can kick some serious Shredder ass when he has to. He invented half of the turtle themed toys and vehicles that you had as a child (or in my case, just finished playing with 20 minutes ago). Let’s see if you remember any of these Don-helmed ditties: the Turtle Blimp, the Turtle Party Wagon, the Bubble Bomber and my personal childhood playtime preference, the Turtle Pizza Thrower. One particularly epic Sunday afternoon of mine from way back in 1993, was spent shooting those pesky little plastic pizzas at the family cat. I smoked him in the face one too many times and my Persian feline friend had evidently suffered enough abuse and ferociously attacked my ankles and shins. Evidently, Ryker the cat was a Foot Clan sympathizer and I only have Donatello to thank for allowing me recognize the traitor that was in my midst. The only criticisms I’ve ever heard of Don is that he’s a nerd and he wears purple. To the former I say this: you’re just jealous. If Bill fucking Gates showed up at your house to challenge you in a little multi-player Halo action I find it hard to believe you would refuse. And after you got your ass handed to you medieval style, you would run up to your room and facebook all your friends to let them know that the most famous nerd of all time just raped you on the Xbox (not literally of course). To the whole purple thing that Donatello gets so much flak for I respond to the critics simply by saying this, you are all homophobes. Just because a genetically mutated turtle is smarter, more skilled in Ninjitsu and can rock the colour purple better than Whoopi Goldberg, that’s no reason to hate the dude. Quit drinking Haterade by the gallon and recognize the truth. Don is the coolest, you don’t even know.

Leonardo:

Look at this fucking kid. No, really take a closer look. Bear witness to his posture. Don’t you just wanna smack the self-righteous, shit-eating grin off his arrogant face? You don’t? Well, what the eff is wrong with you then? He personifies the stereotypical Leo fan; glib, trite, and woefully conceited. If this kid ever showed up at my front door spouting out “Trick or Treat” in his high nasally voice, I would ask him if there was another option I could choose from, namely kicking him square in the balls. How dare he even think about draping that piece of blue felt around his head. This kid has overtaken Cher as the bane of my existence. My sole mission in life from this point forward will be to eliminate him, and any other Leo-tardo fan that may be lurking in the shadows. You know who you are, and take my word for it, I will find you. So now you’re probably wondering why I have so much hate in my heart for the leader of the coolest mutant fighting team in the world (Take that, X-Men!). Well, for starters, he’s the lamest of the four. He has his reptilian head so far up Splinter’s ass that the only thing that the Giant Rat can possibly taste is turtle shell. Secondly, he’s always harshing the other dudes mellows. Don and Mike just wanna crack jokes and eat some za in peace and what does Leo do? He barges in like he fucking owns the world, and reminds the guys that they should be training. Who all of a sudden up and died and made you fucking Mussolini, Leonardo? He thinks he’s so tough just because he has not one but TWO swords while Donatello is left wielding a glorified stick. You’re a pussy Leonardo, and I loathe you. If you know anyone, and I mean anyone that actually likes this brown-nosing heathen I suggest you punch them right in the liver. Or better yet stab them with a giant katana. A little taste of their own medicine might be good for those little bastards.