My name is Ed and I am a really lazy bastard who still smells pretty good. I think we can all be thankful that my unparalleled beer swilling sloth is not reflected in my hygiene, or you very well would have come know me as the 5^th horseman of the apocalypse by now.

Looking approachable might really be my last poker chip at society’s table anyway, and I guess I owe it to my indulgent lifestyle. Each morning (afternoon) in a determined but sad stupor I always make it to the solace of the shower to A: Sing (the acoustics make me sound like a pubertal Sinatra) and B: Generally reflect and meditate on a life of misdirection and crapulence. My knees lock not unlike a horse and I usually wake up clean. Except for that week I forgot to turn the water on.

I figure if you’ve actually chosen to stable boy here at literaryfacial you should at least know a little about that animal who is creating such a mess. Well, you know I bathe, and I like beer, I am basically trying to establish some sort of common ground here. It’s what hostage negotiators and people who are really bad at starting relationships do first.

See,

Establish common ground relationship

Probe cause of the problem

Establish credibility

Encourage safety

Encourage ventilation

Validate feelings

Prevent impulsive acting out,

Probe for survivors/succumbers,

Defense mechanisms/coping strategies,

Positive/negative transference & allow

Stockholm Syndrome development

So, going down the list then:

Common ground relationship? I think that means I’m going to sit here and type whatever I damn well feel like and you’re going to sit there and like it.

The cause of the problem is that I am 21 years old and in no way, shape or form am I coming close to realizing any of my dreams. Dreams like owning a secluded island that I can populate with apex predators and pit them against each other in battle royal.

I cannot tell a lie.

It is not in my nature to encourage safety mostly because I like watching videos of people getting hurt too much. I would however recommend you keep our material out of the reach of children, if that is a problem just visit us on your laptop when you are driving to and from work.

If you actually are having difficulty finding oxygen in this world maybe you can breathe underwater.

Seeking validation of feelings here at literaryfacial should be looked upon with the same logic as walking into the Bronx just to try and break a 100.

Impulsive acting out will result in a very unfriendly package in the mail.

When this site falls, there will be no survivors, but we still might probe you.

I fully expect some of you to come down with the Stockholm, it will be great to, I’ll even let you make me a sandwich and then compliment how I eat it.

Glad you’ve decided to check us out. I don’t really know if I’m disappointed or proud of you for doing so, but I do appreciate you supporting (wasting your time on) this experiment that can only go horribly awry.

Love,

Ed