No womb can hold me. Many have tried, and none have succeeded. It’s not their fault really; it’s just that a female’s fleshy uterine walls are no match for the sheer dedication I possessed even as a fetus. I was born 9 weeks premature, and I probably achieved more in those 2 fateful months then you have in your whole wretched life. If it were up to me, I would have graced you all with my presence months earlier, as a walking, talking, beer-swilling spermatazoa. It’s a good thing that the doctor performed a C-Section to get me out, because I was fully prepared to punch my way through my own mother’s feisty placenta. So you must be asking yourself, “What has this courageous hero, a pioneer for babies everywhere, developped into as a contributing member of our topsy-turvy society?” Well, I’ll tell you, you impatient heathens. As of the two-thousand and eighth year of our forsaken Western experiment, I can attest to be nothing more then a pop culture whore, a derelict debonair armed with a fine tuned sense of vicious irony and a wicked haircut. I go 5 feet, 11 inches and weigh in at 210 (on a good day), I have braces, and am slightly balding. My neck hair attaches to my shoulder hair, like some majestic treasure map guiding you to the promised land of my love-handles. I carry around two lovely man-breasts that would make Col. Sanders himself as proud as a peacock. I have been told that I look like an Eastern European pedophile, and I’m trying to popularize that look for the 2008 fall fashion season. I have a black belt in karate, and have shot 3 different types of machine guns in my lifetime. I have been highly trained to kill with the simple flick of a wrist. Don’t be fooled, though, I am also trained to put you out of your misery with other body parts as well, specifically: the elbow, knee, forehead and butt cheeks (those are my specialty). So before you immerse yourself in the depraved rantings of a narcissistic ninja such as myself, there are a few essential things you should know about me:

-My dad would dole out 500 push-ups at a time as a replacement for being “sent to my room”. Oh, he also made me memorize the Japanese-English dictionary…When I was eight.

-I have a jumper that could cure the hatred in the middle-east. I mean I don’t like to toot my own horn, but it’s just so fucking smooth that it should be against the law. Swish.

-I think Pinochet is an underrated tyrant.

-I sometimes watch MTV. I’m sorry.

-The Zombie uprising is coming. Mark my words.

-I tell people about obscure bands so that I can feel cool.

-Donatello is my favorite Ninja Turtle. Anyone who thinks otherwise is not fully developped as a human-being.

-Mac and cheese loaf is the greatest thing to happen to mankind since Tommy Edison stole the idea of the light-bulb from some poor rube.

-The CFL sucks

-Hip-Hop is dead, and has been for quite some time.

-According to my research, inexperienced Rock, Paper, Scissors players will go with scissors in the first-round 87.4% of the time.

-I was widely regarded as the poorest kid at my elitist “new money” private school. I won’t argue with this claim, as my lunches usually consisted of canned sardines, or whatever I could steal out of the well-manicured claws of my fellow classmates.

-I’m entirely convinced that God has recruited the entire world’s population to play an elaborate prank on me, known simply as “My Life”. With all of the mire and misery (s)he has to deal with, I’m proud to provide the big G-O-D with a little comedic relief from time to time.

And as for you, our faithful minions; boy, do I feel bad for you. I’m assuming that the majority of you are only reading this because you typed in “facial” on google and were expecting some hot, messy, confused student-on-librarian action. I apologize. We are by no means a suitable replacement for academia-themed porn, but for now, we’ll have to do.

Awesomely Yours,

Brandon